Forever Under the Weather

Crappy immune systems suck.

From the time I was a child, I've been the sick girl. If there was a cold going around, I caught it and went into bronchitis. A viral infection? Drawn to me like a magnet, turning into tonsillitis. Ear infections were rampant. Now that I'm much older, I've outgrown tonsillitis and ear infections but the "sick" label is still stuck on me with Crazy glue.

There are always numerous viruses and stomach bugs waiting to find me. My latest virus has gone into pneumonia. Migraines are forever lurking in dark corners waiting to jump out and attack. My world is one in which germs gravitate to. It's as if they realize that I'm a weakened host, so they move right in and make themselves very comfortable. It's maddening.

Here's the real kicker - I take vitamin supplements, focus on getting 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day, and take Airborne at the first sign of illness. I use more hand sanitizer than a school nurse, which dries out my cuticles so badly that I need to get weekly manicures. I rest when I'm sick, drink plenty of fluids, and take medications exactly as prescribed. Yet illness lingers, like those last two party guests you wish would take the yawning hint and go home already.

Worse yet, unless people have a crappy immune system too, they don't get people like me. They think I'm just milking illness for all it's worth. (If illness could be measured, the value would certainly be in negative numbers, so I'm not sure what they think I have to gain.) They view me as babying myself, and giving in too easily. They think I'm fat and lazy - sure, they don't SAY that but I know what they mean when they say, "You should try getting more exercise." and "Maybe you need to change your diet."  They can't believe that I'd rather be scrubbing my bathrooms, or doing my grocery shopping right before a snowstorm, or cleaning up trash on a highway, or doing ANYTHING other than being sick in bed.

People who get sick seem to bring out the "doctor" in everyone. Everyone's got a suggestion, or advice they think is far wiser than sick people could ever think of themselves because, after all, they can't seem to stay well like the rest of the population so they must be doing something wrong. Chronically sick people are just STUPID people to perpetually well people. Clearly, to healthy people, persistent illness is the fault of the persistently ill person. Just don't say that to a chronically sick person because, frankly, we're as tired of hearing how smart people with better immune systems think they are as they are of hearing about us being sick again. Luckier? Yes! Smarter? Bite me.

To summarize: I hate being sick so often. I'm doing the very best I can to find out how to improve my life and health. I consult with real doctors with actual medical degrees to try to find a healthier place. If people don't like how sick I am, there's no point in being in each other's lives because neither one of us may change and I'm tired of apologizing for being sick and weary of others (obviously) forcing themselves to tolerate me. I'm not wallowing in self-pity; I'm drowning in frustration.

I treasure strong days. Hopefully, one day, I'll be as healthy as most other people. And if that day comes, I will always have compassion for those who suffer because I know firsthand that being sick all of the time takes the joy out of living. It's not a choice, it's a curse. Remember that the next time you hear about someone being sick. And if you rarely get sick, I hope you know how lucky you are to be one of the healthy ones. It's a gift that not everyone gets to have. Don't forget that.

Searching for Objectivity

I have no allegiance to one political party. I prefer to be a free thinker, and not someone who “goes along with the crowd.” I like to make decisions based on reason and common sense.  The only people who get to tell me what to do are the people who sign my paycheck.  And, as far as I can tell, 95% of all politicians (right or left) have their own interests at heart – certainly not yours or mine.

In 2008, we had a presidential election. I didn’t know who to vote for but I did know that it wasn’t going to be for the McCain/Palin ticket.  I met Sarah Palin briefly and, while a seemingly gracious woman, she appeared to be nothing more than a piece of fluff. She was attractive, but lacked the wisdom, strength, and competence that I expect from our nation’s leaders. John McCain’s advisors made a serious error in judgment when she was chosen as his running mate.  If he had campaigned with Mitt Romney, I believe I could have gotten onboard with the Republicans.  But John McCain alone – with a piece of fluff beside him? No way.

Truth be told, I wasn’t impressed by Barack Obama either. He didn't seem to possess much experience either. I was in a quandary. With a press of a button, I got to have my say – one precious vote – yet, in my opinion, there wasn’t one person worthy enough to deserve it.  I thought about not voting at all, but that wouldn't have accomplished anything. So I contemplated voting for Ralph Nadar, to send a message about my dissatisfaction with the two candidates offered, but I knew it wouldn't make any difference in the long run. After reading as much information as I possibly could, and talking with dozens of people about our political options, I made up my mind on the way to the polls. I voted for Barack Obama, but not with those feelings of “hope and change” everyone seemed to be talking about. I voted for him because I had "hope" that everyone else knew more than I did, and that I'd "change" my mind about the vote I was casting.

Two years later, the unemployment rate is still high, illegal aliens are still taking advantage of our country’s welcome mat (and obvious idiocy), and the middle class is still bearing the burden of financial responsibility, while the rich continue to get richer. American jobs continue to be lost to lower-paid competitors in foreign countries. In the past 18 months, my stock portfolio has begun to improve and grow, so that’s one positive thing to happen during the new administration. But I know far more people who are out of work than I did two years ago, and household budgets are going up while salaries are staying the same, so I see things are not exactly going swimmingly.

There was a midterm election this week and the Republicans made huge strides. I’m perplexed. They’re high-fiving each other like they just won the Super Bowl.  Is everything all better because of this?  Is the country supposed to suddenly believe that this is the NEW “hope and change?” Sure, nobody is saying that but they’re unquestionably acting like it.  Why are Americans so easily placated by politicians who put on a good performance?  I’m so embarrassed for us, as a nation. We look like a bunch of suckers.

Personally, I need to see a politician make effective changes before I can rationally put my faith in their promises.  That’s not cynical, it’s logical. George W. Bush got the disaster ball rolling with the war in Iraq, where there turned out to be no weapons of mass destruction. Having blind faith in Jesus is one thing – but to expect the world to accept the claims of our military and president was quite another. We were absolutely devastated by 9/11 but, the real truth is, we were deceived with the fear of fictional genocide, and I find that inexcusable. He ended his term with the government bail-outs because of corporate greed and political corruption. Just exactly who was running this country for eight years?

Barack Obama has had to take the fall for the bail-outs because no one seems to remember who was in charge before he stepped into the presidency, and everyone expected him to come into office with a magic wand to fix it all. But he’s no miracle worker, that’s for sure. He’s let our country down by not being in touch with Americans. He has not prioritized issues as well as he should have. He focused on universal health care, when he should’ve been putting that fervor into returning jobs to this country and putting our citizens back to work. He has enough advisors to get his priorities straight, yet he’s failing miserably. It may be puzzling to understand why anyone would want to go into politics in the first place. However, the money, perks, and power obviously make it all worth it.

So here’s a message to all Democrats: You’ve gotten your wake-up call. Something’s brewing in DC and it’s not Columbian dark roast but, make no mistake, it’s going to be bitter.  And to Republicans: It’s time to put your money where your mouth is. You don’t just get to take your victory and enjoy it. You need to do the hard work you promised to do. If you say you can fix things, you need to DO IT. Americans can’t afford any more governmental mismanagement. And to both of you: Please work together to compromise and make decisions based on the common good for all people because united we stand; divided we fall. Hey, Washington! In case you hadn't noticed, we're falling.

General Unrest

Here's a scenario I never saw coming. I've had insomnia for several months. I've tried so many different treatments but, inadvertently, threw a monkey wrench in the quest for sleep. I adopted a cat who cries. ALL. NIGHT. LONG.

Today my husband and I took him to see our vet. He was given a clean bill of health. They remarked on his handsomeness - and he truly is one very good looking boy - and his sweet disposition. (Although my husband could debate that, after sustaining some pretty serious scratches while trying to get him into the cat carrier.) Getting over this crying thing is going to "take time." We need to invest in more toys and play time with him. We need to understand that he's adjusting to a new environment.

I have a different thought process. This sweet little #$*% cat needs to understand that I need sleep. I am just as much adjusting to him being in my house as he is to being here. So, whether he likes it or not, we are going to compromise. Tonight he will sleep in his own room, away from the rest of us, with his food, water, and litter box. I will even put the radio on softly for him. In the meantime, I will love him up and play with him until he falls over from exhaustion. But tonight, I will sleep without hearing him wail for hours on end.

 I pray to God that this getting-used-to-each-other phase is over soon. And I also pray that Ambien will be my friend again tonight. I have such good intentions, but things just don't seem to go as I had hoped far more often than I wish. : (

Sleepless Nights

Insomnia bites the big one.

For several months now, I haven't been able to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. This is seriously messing with my usual cheerful disposition. At first, I tried relaxation techniques...quietly reading, hot shower, aromatherapy, nice glass of red wine, meditation. No luck. Then I went the bedding route...soft blankets, fluffy new pillows. Struck out. After that I bought a series of herbal remedies...valerian root, melatonin, Alteril. Nothing. So I bought some Tylenol PM and Advil PM, and had limited results but they just didn't cut it. I tried getting a pedicure and shoulder massage, and that felt wonderful at the time but had absolutely no calming effect come bedtime. So I broke down and went to see my doctor.

He asked, "How's your mood?" I replied, "Oh...I'm grumpy." He said, "I think you're depressed." I thought to myself, "Are you freakin' kidding me?!?!?!?" but what I actually said aloud was, "I'm not depressed. I'm TIRED. I haven't slept through the night in over 3 months. Anybody would be grumpy by now!" He prescribed an antidepressant anyhow. After 9 nights with little sleep, I threw in the towel.

I pleaded with him to change my medication, and he prescribed Ambien. What a crazy medication that is! I realized that my mind was functioning at the velocity of New York City...taxis, busses, subways, cars honking, sirens blaring, people yelling, pollution swirling, lights flashing. Within a few minutes of taking the Ambien, the madness began fading. Like a huge electrical transformer, I felt my brain activity shutting down, grid by grid. It was a little scary at first, but then a huge relief. I slept for 6 ½  hours that night, and I didn't do anything crazy that people have been reported doing while on this medication...like drive myself to the grocery store in my nightgown. Success!

I wish I could take it more often than one or two nights at a time, but I don't want to risk addiction, which would be a whole new problem and I don't need any more of those. But this morning I was wide awake by 2:57 am and I wonder how I'll make it through the day. Ambien, it looks like I'll be seeing you again tonight. xoxo

Kitty Boys

Today I learned that I will probably be adopting a cat this weekend. I was planning to adopt two cats last month, but the plans fell through. I was disappointed but something about the whole transaction felt wrong to me. They were two young cats who had been living together, so I wanted to keep them together. After a series of obstacles, and a seemingly unreasonable adoption fee, I let my instincts steer me away. I still feel sorry for those two cats. It wasn't their fault.

There's nothing extraordinary about the new cat. He's about as plain as a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Just a grey tabby with a sweet face. We're going to meet on Saturday, and I'm hoping we hit it off from the get-go. I miss having a cat in the house since we lost Corey last year. I used to love how he'd curl up beside me in bed purring like a motor boat, especially when I was sick. Yeah, I know he was stealing my body heat but there was something very comforting about his presence. And he would always let me hold him like a baby, and gently rub his paws against my face. He was detached at times, and sometimes grumpy, but I always knew he loved me. I miss the companionship, and soft little meows, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. We'll see how things go.

**UPDATE** We brought this handsome boy home today. He's got a beautiful grey coat with big green eyes, and he's extremely affectionate. Looks like I have a bona fide lap cat. We are very excited to have this new addition to our family. : )